There’s this resort in Bermuda, Elbow Beach. Looks just like what you’d imagine
a 50-acre beachside Eden would look like. Also looks like the kind of place you’d like to commandeer in its entirety for a weekend. Good thing they’ve just unveiled a new package:
The Resort, which lets you do exactly that, taking reservations now. We know, it’s a lot to process—so allow us to quantify it for you:
Distance to the mainland, in miles:
640
Total rooms at this place:
98
Maximum guest capacity:
200 (or 201, if you’re cool with a pull-out mattress) Maids, lifeguards, chefs and beach servants that come included:
all of them
Check-in time:
3pm
Checkout time:
technically 11am (but probably whenever you say so)
Length of beach at your disposal, in feet:
2,640
Grains of pink sand on that beach:
9,764,873,344,002 (give or take)
Holes of golf within driving distance:
72
Within carting distance:
9
On-site restaurants:
4
On-beach restaurants:
1
Types of wine in the cellar:
552
Wines that you can pronounce:
475
On-site nightclubs to host your sold-out karaoke performance:
1
On-site dive shops to outfit your synchronized scuba performance:
1
Private yachts named
The Venetian:
1
Number of times that yacht has actually been to Venice:
0
Sopranos episodes filmed here:
1
Times you’ll say, “Hey, did you know there was a
Sopranos episode filmed here?”:
36 
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